I have always been the lazy person from oh so many points of view... Rarely learning my lesson, letting myself float as a snowflake in the chilly wind of life, not really having anything to do with what was going on around me. Whenever I set a goal, it was because I had to, not because I wanted. One way or another, in the end I reached those goals. I haven't had the happiest life, all comfort and luxury. I have had my fair share of misfortunes along the way, which ended up discouraging me or simply making me so stubborn that I saw no use in fighting any further for anything at all. It's luck that brought me where I am. Nothing more, nothing less.
Before I go on with today's reason for which my coffee has gone cold again, I wish to reveal a glimpse of my background. I am currently a BA student in my last year of English Language and Literature - French Language and Literature at a small university in my miserable hometown. I initially wanted to go to a university abroad, I had assistance always available, however - as usual - I had decided to do so at the very last moment. It was too late. So here I am, still in my hometown, while most of my ex-classmates have left town or even the country.
I had never known how it feels to be turned down, to lose years of your life, then look back, finally realise what happened, then fall on your knees and cry like a child who didn't get the candy he asked for. I had always thought it could never happen to me, I was too confident in myself. I deserve this, what can I say... But from certain points of view, I don't really regret staying here. Maybe this is just me trying to look at the bright side, or I don't know... you tell me.
It was only here that I met people who truly became my friends. As a kid and teenager I was used to losing contact with my "friends" during holidays, be them short or long, so I'd end up spending my free time alone. This is sad, I know. As soon as I got to university though, I met two girls who later became my friends. Actual friends who called me out even when we were on a one-week break, just because they wanted to hang out. Summer break? I barely got away. But I enjoyed it. People get lost on the way, relationships fade, and eventually cease to exist. Not this friendship so far.
Ignoring all the literature I had to digest and those challenges to not fall asleep (aka classes), it was great. It really was. But I can't go further to what I wish to do in life. Not with my current studies. To be honest, yes, I am grateful for the language skills and knowledge I managed to gain when I was not trying to fall asleep, and I am also grateful that at the end of my BA here, I will gain (another) diploma attesting my English skills, as well as one for my French skills. It supposedly helps.
I don't see myself working in the educational field. Or with the open public. No. Just no. I want to work in an office in front of a computer, with my mug of coffee next to me. I want my peace, because I like my peace.
Coming back to what's bugging me, I decided to start early for the first time in my life and apply for a Master's programme abroad. I sent my application in, did a lot of running around for additional documents they wanted, all this to be turned down a few weeks later because I don't have the necessary previous studies. I felt miserable, but... it wasn't my fault here, was it? I have good grades, it was what I have studied that wasn't what they were looking for.
Last night when I gave my friend the news and realised by his reply that he was probably very disappointed, like never before, I felt horrible for letting someone down this way --- him especially... And to think that I had never felt bad for letting people down...
I doubt there's any other MA that I would like and that is at the same time suitable for my studies, so... I have no other choice but to restart with my Bachelor studies on a different specialisation (obviously still abroad, in the same country) so I can walk down the path that I want. One way or another, I will be there next year. I have to, and I want to.
Being the kind of person that I am, I have finally learnt defeat and taken a mouthful of sour humility. Success is a lousy teacher and so is luck. As a result I had reached the point where I was lazy and proud. A blind, arrogant fool, thinking that nothing could reach me. Let this be a lesson to me, and maybe to the random bored person who is reading this post. I am once again lucky, this time because I have noticed I have taken a wrong turn, even if three years later, I am lucky that I have seen the chance to go back, and even if I have to start my studies from scratch, at least not all doors are closed. My pride was my demise, but fortunately, this time it wasn't till the very end.
All I can do now is take this opportunity to restart and constantly keep myself up and motivated to continue fighting till I see myself where I want to be. I might revert to my lazy self later on, but until then, I don't want to let my friend down again. I made him a promise a long time ago, and I will keep it. I will be there.
Life doesn't come with a map for its twisted paths, and the only guide you have is that sometimes weak, sometimes strong beacon in the distance or nearby. Don't lose sight of it and keep going.
Special thanks to my friend who, without intending to, has made me fight in the front lines for once. I thank him for being a part of my motivation and I wish to apologise to him for having placed all my bets on just one option. I have decided to prove him the strength of my desire to be there even if I have to crawl through the broken shards of my own pride to reach that goal.
